Going Back Is More Difficult Than Expected

I am only three weeks into my single online course and I’m already stressing.

The other night I read the same paragraph for about 20 minutes, completely unable to comprehend what I was reading. I cried. It wasn’t even that what I was reading was that difficult; it was a combination of my boyfriend watching some war movie in the living room which he had already turned down fairly low (But some how it was all I could hear), my raging headache, and the fact that I am currently menstruating. Yup, I TMI’d you. 

I’m only taking the one online course because I am also working full time and have never done an online course before. It seems to be almost more work than an in class course. It isn’t lack of motivation, its that I also have other priorities like my 44 hour a week job or going to the gym a minimum of 4 days a week. I don’t have a car so busing or calling Ubers does mean I lose a good amount of time to my week. I wouldn’t want to drive in Ottawa though; almost every street is a one way and parking costs a fortune. All in all these first few weeks have had a learning curve to them.

I have a test this week. It’s proctored so I have to download a program, lock myself in the bedroom, and use the webcam to do a room check and then have this program watch me as I do my test. Very weird. Not excited. Very nervous.

I didn’t think going back would be so difficult. I suppose I could chalk it up to it being online and that I’m working and such, but I feel it’s more than that. I’ve been out of school for long enough that I’ve forgotten how to balance it with life. I also had basically no hobbies when I was in school. Other than video games, I went to school and went to work. That was it. I ate out for basically every meal so never went grocery shopping. Now I go to the gym, I go for groceries, and work 44 hours a week. Now I’ve added in school. It’s not that this is hard necessarily; people do this all the time and more. Mom’s work as many or more hours than me plus raise children plus go to school. They manage. But right now it seems almost insurmountable. It’s just taken so much effort to work out a schedule and keep on track. I just wasn’t expecting it.

For fall I want to do 2 courses, but between costs and work that seems unlikely. I think I just need to keep chugging along. Once the first three courses are done I could go back full time and transfer to Carleton and go to actual class and take out more OSAP and eventually get my degree. I don’t think a degree will make my life better necessarily, but it’s something I’ve strived for and wanted for so long that I can’t imagine never achieving it.


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